As good as it gets

". . . Give up now. You'll always suck."

TKC: Did the guy who wrote this fortune stop taking his prozac? "It doesn't matter?" I've never before had a fortune cookie before that made me want to throw myself off a bridge, which (to be honest) is just the way I want to feel after every meal.

Debate tips

". . . People take you more seriously when you're sober, upright, and standing on your own feet."

I'll take a double shot of Ensure on the rocks

". . . Now you can talk about your colonoscopies and hemorrhoid treatments."

TKC: Granted, I don't know anything about that myself - I'm in my mid-twenties. So I'm basing this on my parents' experiences. And based on what I've heard, I'm praying doctors come up with something new in the next 30 years so doctors can check my colon without making me turn my innards into a waterslide.

Houston, we've got a problem...

". . . And then Mrs. Armstrong suggested that Neil might find a trip to Hawaii to be more relaxing and enjoyable."

Friendship: A gift to bear

". . . After eating your friend, maybe the bear will be full before he reaches you."

TKC: Sorry, I guess this was a grizzly post.

TKCx2: And sorry for the above, that was just unbearable.

For the man who has everything

" . . . Your STD test results are coming back, and the news is all positive."

Tip your waiters

". . .  It can't serve you any worse than we did tonight."

What a kiss!

". . . But so do dementors."

Yes, I know the explanatory link providing a definition of dementors is probably totally unnecessary unless you've been living in a cave for the past decade; I just felt that the Harry Potter Lexicon needed some lovin'.

WWTYD? (What would the Yakuza do?)

". . . Except getting Uma Thurman to like you."

All the news that's fit to print

". . . Because your doctors can't bear to tell you the truth."

Now with 25% more action

". . . Demand that someone else do something."

Someone loves you

". . . And it's your Mom.  You will die alone."