Breathe in, breathe out

A few nights ago I was watching my dirty pleasure: Top Chef. During a commercial break, an ad appeared for a revolutionary new asthma medication. I'm not a doctor, so I couldn't tell you what made this drug so amazing other than that it soothed a woman who suffered from lungs that glowed bright red and were visible through her chest. After taking this amazing new pharmaceutical, her lungs were still visible through her chest, but they no longer throbbed bright red. I guess it's just a pill, not a miracle.

I've never seen anyone with this glowing-lung problem (they must wear heavy clothes to hide the shame), but apparently it's a serious condition worthy of a new high-priced medicine.

Now I suffer from my fair share of ailments, and maybe I'm just in the minority here, but I usually take my medical advice from my doctor, not actors. However, I admit that I enjoy watching pharma-ads. I think I like imagining someone with exploding diarrhea yelling "but at least my cholesterol is 5 points lower" as he sprints off to the restroom. And who isn't amused by the thought of a four-hour erection needing medical attention?

While the occasional exploding bowel is certainly funny (because I have the maturity of a 12-year old) the glowing-lung ad was notable in that it mentioned only one side effect: "In some clinical trials a few users experienced death." Isn't this great news? Instead of the usual litany of side-effects ruining your day, if you take this drug you'll have to worry about only one! Progress just can't be stopped!

That they've cut the number of side-effects from 28,000 to 1 is really the best feature of this new drug, but they hardly draw attention to it at all. So to that end, I've decided to write a new ad for them:

*Wheeze, Wheeze*
When fighting off your asthma symptoms, there's nothing worse than adding insult to injury with dizziness or nausea. Sometimes the ability to breathe just isn't worth the agony of indigestion. Thanks to Morbidxol PM, you no longer have to choose between breathing and a life free of side effects like constipation, erectile dysfunction, or crippling dry mouth.

[Cut to woman boxing in a gym] "When I'm in the ring, I can't afford to have asthma knock me out. But sometimes a really bad case of dry mouth or vaginal itching just makes me want to die. Then I switched to Morbidxol PM, and now I don't need to choose. You see, using the same technology that allowed them to mix fast-acting with long-lasting, scientists have now found a way to condense all side-effects into one."

Morbidxol PM has only one side-effect: death. So now you never need to worry about anal leakage ruining your business dinner or suddenly gaining weight a week before your wedding; those side effects are things of the past.

[Cut back to woman at gym] "I can now breathe easy knowing the worst that can happen is that I die. And that peace of mind is worth it."

[Fast talking voice] Morbidxol PM is not for everyone. People who enjoy life or dry mouth should not take Morbidxol PM. In some clinical trials, patients experienced long and painful deaths. Such reactions were rare. Ask your doctor if Morbidxol PM is right for you.