I'm very indecisive

So I went back and forth, trying numerous different hosts, and I eventually decided that Google's Blogger, while it had a lot going for it, didn't offer several key features (like it couldn't make my posts funnier). For that reason, I would like to direct you to my better, more featureful blog:

thekc.wordpress.com

Are you sure it's not spam?

Every day I clear out to my Gmail spam filter, although not once have I ever found a message that Google erroneously captured. I guess I check it simply out of the eternal optimism that some gorgeous, brilliant woman might be e-mailing me and it would be just my luck that the message would end up in the spam-box and my chance at eternal happiness would be automatically deleted after 30 days. Needless to say, I've never seen that message in my spam filter either.

The other day, as I was skimming through my spam-box, I saw an e-mail from "Agamemnon," who was very concerned about my love-making abilities. Google marked this as spam, but I wasn't sure why. Is it that hard to believe that a hero of Greek Mythology would e-mail me to inform me of ways that I can ensure that my significant other is thoroughly satisfied? After all, Agamemnon was killed by his wife (who was clearly very dissatisfied), so he would appear to be an expert on the matter.

As good as it gets

". . . Give up now. You'll always suck."

TKC: Did the guy who wrote this fortune stop taking his prozac? "It doesn't matter?" I've never before had a fortune cookie before that made me want to throw myself off a bridge, which (to be honest) is just the way I want to feel after every meal.

Debate tips

". . . People take you more seriously when you're sober, upright, and standing on your own feet."

I'll take a double shot of Ensure on the rocks

". . . Now you can talk about your colonoscopies and hemorrhoid treatments."

TKC: Granted, I don't know anything about that myself - I'm in my mid-twenties. So I'm basing this on my parents' experiences. And based on what I've heard, I'm praying doctors come up with something new in the next 30 years so doctors can check my colon without making me turn my innards into a waterslide.

Breathe in, breathe out

A few nights ago I was watching my dirty pleasure: Top Chef. During a commercial break, an ad appeared for a revolutionary new asthma medication. I'm not a doctor, so I couldn't tell you what made this drug so amazing other than that it soothed a woman who suffered from lungs that glowed bright red and were visible through her chest. After taking this amazing new pharmaceutical, her lungs were still visible through her chest, but they no longer throbbed bright red. I guess it's just a pill, not a miracle.

I've never seen anyone with this glowing-lung problem (they must wear heavy clothes to hide the shame), but apparently it's a serious condition worthy of a new high-priced medicine.

Now I suffer from my fair share of ailments, and maybe I'm just in the minority here, but I usually take my medical advice from my doctor, not actors. However, I admit that I enjoy watching pharma-ads. I think I like imagining someone with exploding diarrhea yelling "but at least my cholesterol is 5 points lower" as he sprints off to the restroom. And who isn't amused by the thought of a four-hour erection needing medical attention?

While the occasional exploding bowel is certainly funny (because I have the maturity of a 12-year old) the glowing-lung ad was notable in that it mentioned only one side effect: "In some clinical trials a few users experienced death." Isn't this great news? Instead of the usual litany of side-effects ruining your day, if you take this drug you'll have to worry about only one! Progress just can't be stopped!

That they've cut the number of side-effects from 28,000 to 1 is really the best feature of this new drug, but they hardly draw attention to it at all. So to that end, I've decided to write a new ad for them:

*Wheeze, Wheeze*
When fighting off your asthma symptoms, there's nothing worse than adding insult to injury with dizziness or nausea. Sometimes the ability to breathe just isn't worth the agony of indigestion. Thanks to Morbidxol PM, you no longer have to choose between breathing and a life free of side effects like constipation, erectile dysfunction, or crippling dry mouth.

[Cut to woman boxing in a gym] "When I'm in the ring, I can't afford to have asthma knock me out. But sometimes a really bad case of dry mouth or vaginal itching just makes me want to die. Then I switched to Morbidxol PM, and now I don't need to choose. You see, using the same technology that allowed them to mix fast-acting with long-lasting, scientists have now found a way to condense all side-effects into one."

Morbidxol PM has only one side-effect: death. So now you never need to worry about anal leakage ruining your business dinner or suddenly gaining weight a week before your wedding; those side effects are things of the past.

[Cut back to woman at gym] "I can now breathe easy knowing the worst that can happen is that I die. And that peace of mind is worth it."

[Fast talking voice] Morbidxol PM is not for everyone. People who enjoy life or dry mouth should not take Morbidxol PM. In some clinical trials, patients experienced long and painful deaths. Such reactions were rare. Ask your doctor if Morbidxol PM is right for you.

Houston, we've got a problem...

". . . And then Mrs. Armstrong suggested that Neil might find a trip to Hawaii to be more relaxing and enjoyable."

Friendship: A gift to bear

". . . After eating your friend, maybe the bear will be full before he reaches you."

TKC: Sorry, I guess this was a grizzly post.

TKCx2: And sorry for the above, that was just unbearable.

For the man who has everything

" . . . Your STD test results are coming back, and the news is all positive."

New Fox Show

Last night, David Cook won out in American Idol, leaving millions of Americans with absolutely nothing to vote on. Clearly, a new show is needed.

So I was thinking, after John McCain was forced to reject pastor John Hagee's endorsement and Barack Obama had to deal with the Rev. Wright incident, perhaps Fox could seize the moment with a well-timed new reality show. Fox could feed the masses' need to vote contestants off reality shows by placing Hagee, Wright, and other religious luminaries into a house together. Think, Big Brother -- but with more God and less hooking up by the pool.

Like any good reality show, the contestants would do challenges each week. For example, they could see how many circumcisions they can do in an hour ("Sorry, John, you did 38, but we have to take off points for the ones where you cut off too much."). Or the YouTube Sermon Spectacular, where they see who can get more hits for saying the most outrageous things on YouTube. The winner of the challenge would be "saved" for the week; the losers would risk "damnation." Each week viewers would vote a rabbi, priest, minister, reverend or imam off the show.

They could call it American Idolater.